did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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