i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
