I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Two words: blizzard sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
