She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
