i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize