my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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