she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
