i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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