So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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