he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
