her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
