My underwear smells like fireworks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You need a sexual gate keeper
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Drake has all the answers
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
