dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
