I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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