She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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