I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
