You smell like stripper and shame
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
