you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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