we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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