Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
