I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I need to align my fucking chakras
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
