I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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