You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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