The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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