just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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