U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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