it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
