I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
