um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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