I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
third nipple confirmed
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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