yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
