nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
