yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
