I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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