Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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