is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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