Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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