Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
