i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
