Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
