Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Who died my cat blue again?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
