My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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