i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
