I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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