i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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