You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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