rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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