I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
