as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
