Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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