Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
