I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
