Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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