can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
