Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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