i love accidental penises.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
