i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
