well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
